I thought I would post my May Movement Responses on the blog - I think a couple people from the MONERGY workshop were interested. My March Responses are further down if anyone is reading! (This is going to be long...)
May 1, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Elbow Meets Knee
Today I did this sequence outside lying on a towel in the grass. The coolest thing happened. The slight breeze and the sun shining on the top of my elbows helped me and reminded me to sense the kinesphere consistently throughout the sequence. My head felt so light. I added the slight lift of the opposite bent leg and it may have looked to an outsider like I was doing some sort of abdominal exercise because my knee and elbows (and head) lifted off of the ground and almost came together. I wasn’t even trying. I thought I was about to move very slowly as I had been the entire time. Instead, when I initiated the movement, my body just went! It surprised me.
May 3, 2010
Feldenkrais: Lengthening the Arms
This is amazing for my upper back and shoulder blades. I started the sequence with a lot of stress and tension in my whole body and I tend to carry a lot of that in my shoulders and upper back. My biggest thing today -- the first 10 minutes of this recording is a talk-through of sensing where your body is before starting. Today it helped me realize how challenging it is for me to soften into the floor right away, almost like I am afraid of falling even though I know the floor, and the earth, is there to support me. I am afraid of the pain of softening. I think I may have made reference to the physical pain of releasing muscle tension in the past – I’m sure there must be a direct parallel to my emotions and I’m not going to analyze it right now. It will be what it will be. The interesting thing about my experience with this sequence today was that once I regained my breath, I was able to slowly come back into my body and before I even realized it, I was softening…all before the sequence even started.
May 6, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
I discovered that I need to completely be in my body before beginning any kind of movement sequence. I cannot just lie down on the floor with whatever is going on in my brain and jump right into it. I need to take however much time I need to let myself feel the support of the floor and the earth and come back to true self. Today I realized that have am really proud of myself for how I have handled myself over the past 2 months. I have been stressed AND I have been okay. Today when I put myself on the floor, I started the sequence right away. I was thinking about my exam tomorrow and I wasn’t with myself in the moment. After a few minutes I realized what I was doing because I was contracting unnecessary muscles all over the place and I didn’t feel comfortable at all. I stopped. I even stopped the CD. I lay on the floor for 15 minutes… breathing… letting go of everything. When I started the CD again, I visualized for the first half and then started moving later on once I felt like I was ready.
May 8, 2010
Feldenkrais: Freeing the Mouth & Jaw
My jaw clenching is a very unconscious habit. I am getting better at becoming aware of it AND it is also very challenging to be aware of all the time. I check in with myself throughout the day and make a choice to open my mouth and loosen my jaw and move it back and forth. It seems like those releases of pressure are only in those moments. I followed this sequence with the CD today and my body was resisting it a little bit. Maybe it isn’t actually a matter of my body resisting it, perhaps it has more to do with what I think I SHOULD be able to do. My jaw wants to click and does not want to allow my mouth to open as much as it could open, but that would require more than ease. I had an internal conflict about DOING vs. NON-DOING during this sequence. If I just DID more, maybe I would benefit more…No, Amy, if you DO then you’re working against the whole process. It is a fine line for me. The NON-DOING side took over and I was easeful. This is an important sequence for me. I think I will be ‘non-doing’ it a lot.
May 12, 2010
Feldenkrais: Easier Reaching
This is the last sequence in the series of Feldenkrais lessons I bought, so now I have been through all of them. Now I can say that each time a new lesson integrated the connection between pushing the foot into the ground to lift the pelvis, which ripples all the way up the spine, making the relationship to the neck and shoulders easier…I fell in love with my muscles all over again! It is just amazing. I’ve noticed that my body is very sensitive to changes. During rest before starting movement on the second side, I am extremely aware of the differences. For this particular sequence, my left arm and leg felt so much longer than my right leg and arm. My lower back felt relaxed on one side and tense on the other. When first started moving on the other side, which involved pushing my left foot into the floor to lift the left side of my pelvis it was like I hadn’t moved that way in years! Maybe that happened to show me that I really need to make sure I don’t let 3 days pass without doing a sequence.
May 15, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
I have been doing movement sequences regularly since the beginning of February and I am still amazed at how my body can respond so differently each time. I wasn’t sure what I expect when I started because I did a lot today, physically. My body was tired. When I lay down on the floor I was surprised that my lower back was pretty close to the floor. I had just taken a shower and that probably relaxed my muscles. As I moved through the sequence I sensed less directional confusion than I usually do and I only noticed unnecessary contraction once. I was making fists. It brings to mind that making fists is my other habit. I tend to clench my jaw and squeeze my hands. As I continued, I noticed that I wanted to make the movement more quickly. It seems like repetition and changing direction is what causes me to become confused…and my way of regaining some sort of ‘control’ of my body is to speed up because then is feels like I know what direction I’m moving. I realized that wasn’t helping anything so I stopped and visualized the movement. Then I started sensing very small movements without actually moving. When I eventually started moving, what helped me was visualizing that I was drawing a very small circle on the floor.
May 17, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Elbow Meets Knee
I feel especially calm after this sequence today. My head felt lighter and lighter as the sequence continued and that felt great. Visualizing the muscles in my neck and back lengthening as I lift my head makes an amazing difference. By chance I ended up doing a little experiment. I didn’t visualize my muscles lengthening one time when I lifted my head and pointed my elbows toward my right knee & lifted my right knee. I definitely felt a difference. I felt contraction. I did the movement again and imagined that my muscles lengthened easily into an open U shape, like they were shaped around the bottom of a wooden bowl, and it felt completely different. The movement came easily and comfortably. At the beginning of the sequence when I rolled my head from side to side, my head stuck in several places and was really jerky. By the end, I rolled my head and there was no restriction at all. Zero! I’m not sure that’s ever happened and it was fantastic!
May 19, 2010
Feldenkrais: Lengthening the Arms
This movement sequence starts on the left side and the amount of time spent on that side feels so long. Every time I do this sequence I find myself getting really antsy to just start moving my right side already! My left side felt long, expansive and soft; meanwhile my right side felt twisted, contorted and painful. I sensed myself getting emotional because I had to be with it when I just wanted to move and get rid of the uncomfortable feeling. I think it might be interesting to stop the CD if this happens next time and do a little dialoging between the sides of my body to see what comes out.
May 21, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
I realized that I’ve gone into this sequence with expectations on several occasions and this time I recognized it as soon as I put myself on the floor. I took a few minutes to sense my body on the floor and was really excited to notice that my shoulders eased right into the carpet. When I started moving, I moved even slower than usual so I could make sure that I wasn’t trying to get somewhere. I made a much smaller circle with my hips than I usually do and it felt really good. I didn’t experience as much resistance.
May 22, 2010
Feldenkrais: Eye Movement (Unergi Weekend – Saturday)
When I had an external focal point, even though my eyes were closed, I was able to move my eyes with ease. I could sense my hand and each finger and was able to move my eyes back and forth toward each location. It was more challenging for me when the direction was to move my eyes ‘toward the floor on the left’ or if the direction related to my face. I can sense my face, but it is so close to my eyes that I felt myself straining my eyes because I didn’t feel like I was moving my eyes at all. I gave myself a headache. Throughout the sequence I recognized that I was straining my eyes and I ‘tried not to try’ and found it difficult to visualize a sequence relating to the eyes. I didn’t consider just listening. I am happy that I opened my mouth and moved my jaw from side to side several times throughout the sequence because that was really helpful.
May 23, 2010
Feldenkrais: Arm Lifting (Unergi Weekend – Sunday)
Loved this! I need some Cliff Smyth Feldenkrais in my life. Anja, my cello, won’t feel so neglected if, or maybe I could say, when I do this sequence regularly. When I lifted my arms one at a time at the beginning of the sequence, I could sense that if I continued that movement, I would be in pain after a few minutes. One interesting observation, though, is pointing my awareness toward my thumb as the initiating place of movement was the easiest and most comfortable way to lift my arm at that time in the sequence. It reminded me of the time I brought my cello with me to a Unergi session and you talked about that type of awareness as you worked with me. Very interesting. Anyway, at the end of the lesson when I lifted my arms one at a time, I felt like I was going to throw my arm into the mirror behind me because my arm was so light it just flew right up into the air. My shoulder blades and upper back were completely free AND my arms were light. Holy crap! That is prime cello-playing stance! Fear, perfectionism & self-judgment, GET OUT OF MY WAY!
May 26, 2010
Feldenkrais: A More Comfortable Neck
It is interesting to compare how I feel doing this sequence with how I felt doing the sequence above. This sequence involves lifting my arms and putting my palms together to form a triangle with my chest throughout the sequence. I found that my arms got tired really easily and that I really had to focus on softening my shoulders. The thing that confused me is when I was able to relax my shoulders, it seemed to make my shoulders lie closer to my ears and somehow that doesn’t make sense to me. I visualized about half of this sequence. Once I was able to use my foot to push into the floor to help me, it made lifting the shoulder blade a lot easier. It even made holding my arms up in the air seem easier. I wonder how much of my arm fatigue relates to anxiety about holding my arms in that position since I am aware that one of my current limitations is related to pain in my arms / shoulders. I noticed that when I started feeling pain and fatigue, I would put my arms down and take a deep breath, which makes me think I had lost track of my breath.
May 28, 2010
Feldenkrais: Freeing the Mouth & Jaw
Aaaaaah. Or maybe I should say, uuuuuh. My head really wanted this tonight. Doing these kinds of movements with my mouth and jaw while lying on the floor feel very different than doing similar movements here and there throughout my day when I realize I’ve been clenching. My whole head and neck has released tension and my tongue isn’t glued to the roof of my mouth anymore. I had the beginning stages of a migraine for the majority of the day and that is completely gone. I would say more, but I think I’d rather go put myself back on the floor and that is what I’m going to do.
May 30, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Shoulder & Hip Circles
My body is telling me to just stop trying so hard! Well, my hips are telling me to stop trying so much. My shoulders are starting to understand how to do this with ease most of the time. I’m still trying to find my hips each time I do this sequence…and then when I find them we have an interesting little conversation regarding circular movement. I think we’re at the beginning of some sensory understanding. Toward the end of the sequence I found myself make the smallest, smallest circle with my right hip and my left hip (that was on the floor) wasn’t tensed. It was amazing! It was the first time that has ever happened! Usually the hip on the floor is trying to do a lot of work and I end up making larger movements because I’m unable to sense small movements in my hips…because I couldn’t find my hips. I think I need to find my hips daily. I feel like I’m starting from the beginning each time. Hmmm.
May 31, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
I put myself on the floor with the intention of doing Shoulder & Hip Circles like I did last night. I planned on doing it at my own pace with one of my ‘healing music’ CDs playing. I lay on the ground sensing my body for a few minutes first. As I started to organize myself to roll to my side, I brought my knees up so my feet were standing on the ground momentarily and I stopped. Instead of continuing to roll to my side, my body decided it would rather let my lower back ease into the floor…and the decision to do the Pelvic Dial was simple. I was already there. I noticed that I am DOING less and less during this sequence. Woohoo! My body really understands this sequence. There isn’t so much brain-thinking involved in making the movement anymore. Tonight I was having trouble getting the brain-thinking to stop, period. My brain was going and going and going about all sorts of other things the whole time. I recognized it. That is good. There were a couple times that my breathing was off and I had to stop everything and check in with myself about breathing. When I focus on breathing my brain can’t think about other stuff. Okay Amy, focus on breathing.
It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? One of the ways I find myself while standing at the table is through my breath. Lying ON the table I come back to myself through my breath. Lying on the FLOOR I find myself through my breath. Hmmm.
Writing these movement responses is so intriguing… I love it!
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Shift in Perception & Standing up for ME
I am very proud of myself. I'm sitting here with ease, bare feet flat on the carpet, sensing that in myself. My tendency is to sit with my chest collapsed and I'm not. My body is in movement. I just had an interesting shift in an interaction.
A new semester started; another group project assigned. We have discussion board areas we can use online to interact with our group members. We are in the process of deciding what kind of environmental advocacy project to do. Our short in-person meeting was going in circles so we planned to discuss online via the forum. I posted my idea a couple days ago. I checked back today and found a few posts from one group member. He said a few things that bothered me while also proposing his own idea. It was all sort of integrated. In the past I may have just let it go. I didn't.
I started my response with I appreciate what you are saying... AND then I stood up for ME! I spoke my truth and it feels great. I am not intimidated because you are probably 30 years older than me. I will not let you talk down to me. I won't let you discourage me. We are equals.
It was really easy.
A new semester started; another group project assigned. We have discussion board areas we can use online to interact with our group members. We are in the process of deciding what kind of environmental advocacy project to do. Our short in-person meeting was going in circles so we planned to discuss online via the forum. I posted my idea a couple days ago. I checked back today and found a few posts from one group member. He said a few things that bothered me while also proposing his own idea. It was all sort of integrated. In the past I may have just let it go. I didn't.
I started my response with I appreciate what you are saying... AND then I stood up for ME! I spoke my truth and it feels great. I am not intimidated because you are probably 30 years older than me. I will not let you talk down to me. I won't let you discourage me. We are equals.
It was really easy.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
There is No Destination
I went to Staples yesterday and I was in the aisle with all the notebooks and journals. I wanted to find something to keep all my Unergi notes in for the next however many years...
I came across a journal-type notebook that said:
"If the destination is joy, the journey is delightful"
I had a very negative reaction to it and haven't been able to get it out of my mind.
If the destination is joy... that implies there is a destination, that there is somewhere to GET before one can feel joy. Once you're there, then what? You're just there and you stop? No more movement, no growth, no expansion?
I read it and sensed an eager person, doing and doing and doing, trying so hard to do the right thing, to just reach out and get to the happiness and the joy. A person that decided to be optimistic and have a 'delightful journey' because they thought that eventually they'd be joyful. I see this person climbing a steep mountain, dragging a bunch of old crap along...but smiling the whole way because when they get to the top, happiness will be there. This person reaches the top and is relieved and elated and in disbelief that they achieved so much. There is so much joy in that moment... Now what?
I don't think I believe life has any destinations. Only continuous journeys.
If I could change the phrase I saw on that notebook, I would.
It would say: Joy is the Journey
I came across a journal-type notebook that said:
"If the destination is joy, the journey is delightful"
I had a very negative reaction to it and haven't been able to get it out of my mind.
If the destination is joy... that implies there is a destination, that there is somewhere to GET before one can feel joy. Once you're there, then what? You're just there and you stop? No more movement, no growth, no expansion?
I read it and sensed an eager person, doing and doing and doing, trying so hard to do the right thing, to just reach out and get to the happiness and the joy. A person that decided to be optimistic and have a 'delightful journey' because they thought that eventually they'd be joyful. I see this person climbing a steep mountain, dragging a bunch of old crap along...but smiling the whole way because when they get to the top, happiness will be there. This person reaches the top and is relieved and elated and in disbelief that they achieved so much. There is so much joy in that moment... Now what?
I don't think I believe life has any destinations. Only continuous journeys.
If I could change the phrase I saw on that notebook, I would.
It would say: Joy is the Journey
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Seeing with my body
I am glowing from the effects of a truly spiritual and beautiful experience. I am blessed to have been given the gift of house sitting in a lovely home with an amazing meditation room. The home is set back in the woods and is surrounded with the beauty of nature.
I just spent 45 minutes in the meditation room, first lying on the floor to center and come back to myself. I felt so calm and peaceful. I sat up and looked out a window that faces the back yard into the woods. I remembered something we talked about at the November Unergi weekend. I stopped "looking" with my eyes and instead I let the images enter my visual field. It was no longer an active process. It was as if I was gazing instead of peering. My eyes opened more, my face relaxed, my jaw opened, my neck released, my shoulders dropped. I stood up with a lightness that amazed me and I walked to the window. I stood there for 20 minutes, gazing into the woods to see what would come to my eyes. My legs were rooted like a tree and my chest and shoulders open and released. My head and neck were (and still are) free and easy. I felt as if I was seeing with my body because what I saw was affecting my entire body.
I stood there as the sun set and it slowly became more and more dark by the minute. I saw the tiny movements of leaves rustling on branches and blooming flower petals falling from trees. There were several deer grazing on grass. I didn't notice until one turned and I saw her striped white tail. Squirrels scurried in circles up the trunks of trees and hopped across thin branches. Perhaps I wouldn't have seen these things if I was "looking". It was glorious!
I just spent 45 minutes in the meditation room, first lying on the floor to center and come back to myself. I felt so calm and peaceful. I sat up and looked out a window that faces the back yard into the woods. I remembered something we talked about at the November Unergi weekend. I stopped "looking" with my eyes and instead I let the images enter my visual field. It was no longer an active process. It was as if I was gazing instead of peering. My eyes opened more, my face relaxed, my jaw opened, my neck released, my shoulders dropped. I stood up with a lightness that amazed me and I walked to the window. I stood there for 20 minutes, gazing into the woods to see what would come to my eyes. My legs were rooted like a tree and my chest and shoulders open and released. My head and neck were (and still are) free and easy. I felt as if I was seeing with my body because what I saw was affecting my entire body.
I stood there as the sun set and it slowly became more and more dark by the minute. I saw the tiny movements of leaves rustling on branches and blooming flower petals falling from trees. There were several deer grazing on grass. I didn't notice until one turned and I saw her striped white tail. Squirrels scurried in circles up the trunks of trees and hopped across thin branches. Perhaps I wouldn't have seen these things if I was "looking". It was glorious!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Feldenkrais & Unergi Core Support Movements
Hello Unergi Friends!
This is going to be a long one... When I do Feldenkrais lessons or Unergi Core Support sequences I write about them as part of my learning and training. As much as I'm still a newbie to this, maybe some of you will find this helpful (or at least interesting) if you are also new to this kind of glorious work!
March 3, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Elbow Meets Knee
As soon as I lay down on the floor, I started visualizing the muscles in my back lengthening and the curving movement of my neck and head forward as lily petals blooming. I sensed the space beyond my head and elbows and I didn’t experience pain in my arms even once during the sequence. It was a completely easeful experience. One thing I’ve continually noticed is that when I lie down my shoulders tend to place closer to my ears than I would like. I know that is a sign of tension, yet at the same time, it takes effort to get my shoulders to go anywhere else and that isn’t the kind of work this is. Perhaps this also has something to do with the fact that my shoulders have been on high alert for so long – maybe it will just take a longer time until they remember where they belong.
March 6, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Elbow Meets Knee
It has been an excessively emotional and physically stressful few days and I could tell that it has affected me. I decided to do a little experiment and do the same Core Support sequence that I did with such ease just a couple days ago. I started visualizing the same way I did the other day. My mind wanted to wander instead of staying focused on what I was encouraging it to do. My body wasn’t as responsive as it was the other day. I felt heavier. My legs were tensed for no reason and my shoulder blades told me they weren’t ready to release. I realized that today wasn’t a day to practice movement. Today was a day to lie down and listen and visualize when my mind let me visualize. I wasn’t going to beat myself up for my mind wandering.
March 9, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
My body chose this movement today. It wasn’t a process of deciding which I wanted to do; my body definitively told me that this is what I needed to do. My movements were very fluid from the beginning and that is something very different. I noticed that my breath was easy and full. I stopped occasionally to roll my head side to side. Maybe that reminded my shoulders that they didn’t need to prepare for anything. When my shoulders are soft, movements throughout the rest of my body are easier.
March 12, 2010
Feldenkrais: Rolling Like a Baby
I’ve fallen in love! I just finished this sequence and it is 10pm. I could either fall asleep or start my day right now because my body feels great, my mind is clear, and I just had so much fun! My shoulders love me and I love them. I know I’ve said something like this before - I have some lingering pain in my shoulder blades but it is the kind of pain that happens because I just had a huge release of tension. I am okay with that! I was very aware of my body throughout this sequence and was able to soften and ease muscles that didn’t need to be used. Toward the end my body started to get confused when it was time to roll from one side to the other without pauses in between. I attempted to do it right away and that caused me to tense. Instead I stopped, listened, and watched myself do it, even so much as to visualize the muscles in my body that I would need to use. Then I was able to do it very slowly. When I stood up at the end I felt ten times lighter and my back and shoulders were so relaxed that I almost wanted to cry. I haven’t felt this calm in years. In my opinion, everyone should roll like a baby.
March 13, 2010
Feldenkrais: Easier Sitting
I felt a major difference between the beginning and end of this sequence. At the beginning I could only feel the movement of my pelvis in my lower back and by the end I felt it all the way up through my neck. Interestingly, I started feeling it more when I was told to fix my eyes on an object in the room instead of allowing my head to move freely. I noticed that I tend to contract the muscles in my abdomen and stop breathing when I tilt my pelvis backward (?) to round my back. By the end of the sequence I was beginning to release that habit. At one point the instructions were to round the back but look up with the head (described as a non-habitual way to sit) and I thought to myself, wow, this is how I sit a lot of the time. It almost reminded me of the “Red Light Reflex” or Withdrawal Response in “Somatics”. Anyway…There were times that I wasn’t sure if I was doing the movement correctly – and even with that in mind, the changes are still fantastic. I stood up to walk after and, as always, I feel like I’m walking more like a woman! I must have some serious habitual hip/pelvis muscle issues. Whenever I do sequences involving work with my pelvis I walk around at the end and my legs and hips feel so free.
March 16, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Shoulder & Hip Circles
This was particularly challenging for me today. Even with the smallest movements I still felt jerkiness in my body. Visualizing that I was painting a circle with my shoulder blade allowed more freedom in my upper back, though I could tell I was still holding on to something and my body told me it wasn’t okay to let go of it right now. When it came to my hips I became frustrated and realized that I would need to listen instead of do. I just couldn’t find my hips today.
March 20, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
I am in the hotel room in Michigan. There was a visitation at the church where I had my first encounters with lots and lots of family. I was finally able to let go of some anxiety once I got there. This evening was the first time I could eat in a few days without having major stomach problems. I came back to the hotel and decided that continuing with the positivity of the evening by putting myself on the floor and doing some core support movements would be the best way to take care of me. I didn’t have a lot of space or privacy so I had to modify what I usually do. I put my Music for Healing music on my iPod and lay still on the floor for several minutes visualizing the sequence first. As I did this I could feel a shift in the quality of my presence in my body. I cannot think of any other way to say that. At one point I even moved a little bit on the ground to change how I felt contact with the floor. Eventually I physically did the movement, although I didn’t do the movement as many times as the CD usually leads me through.
March 25, 2010
Feldenkrais: Flexible Bending
Lots of body confusion during this sequence. I understood everything being said but my coordination wasn’t all there. My body wasn’t listening to me today. My shoulders wanted to hold on to tension for dear life and my jaw was clenched the majority of the time. I visualized the movements when I was unable to release my shoulders and it impeded my ability to move without pain. All that said, it amazes me to say that I still noticed a significant change from the beginning to the end of the lesson in my comfortable range in bending from side to side. I am starting to realize that the pelvis really is the foundation for most movements in the body. Perhaps that’s why everything comes with so much more ease when the instructions “press your left (or right) foot into the floor and make the same movement” are added. It’s glorious!
March 27, 2010
Unergi Weekend Feldenkrais Sequence (Saturday)
I am writing this on Monday. I’ve already written my response for March 28th and the only thing I can think to write for this response is that I can’t remember most of it because I was so disturbed about falling asleep before we started. I remember making a rectangle with my arms and moving my arms from side to side. I recall that being a very pleasurable feeling in my shoulder blades, almost as if I was lubricating my shoulder blades.
March 28, 2010
Unergi Weekend Feldenkrais Sequence (Sunday)
One thing that really confused my body was pressing my hip into the floor. I wasn’t able to relay that message through my body. Going down the diagonal, I was able to press my shoulder, mid-back, and foot with no problem – the hip just wasn’t happening for me on its own. If anything, it caused me to tense my entire leg and butt. I really enjoyed the rolling movement that comes from pressing my foot into the floor to lift my hip and allowing my whole spine and neck to follow accordingly. I think that is starting to be one of my favorite things about Feldenkrais and Unergi Core Support Movements. Very freeing. When turning my palms and letting my neck turn, that became very fluid. The sensation when making a fist was different; there was a hint of tension and rigidity to the movement and I switched back to open palms.
March 29, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
Today I had another experience of what I would call my body choosing the sequence. My body asked to do the Pelvic Dial. I took extra time to repeat the movements at 12 & 6 and 3 & 9. As much as I’ve practiced this sequence, my body is still confused about 3 & 9 much of the time. My hips (or something) often crack the first few times I move in those directions. I realized about halfway through this time that I may have had some sort of unrealized expectation about how large of a circle I should create with my hips. I purposely made much smaller movements to see how it felt. I noticed my breathing become automatically easier and muscles that I never noticed that I was holding release. Becoming truly aware is quite a process.
This is going to be a long one... When I do Feldenkrais lessons or Unergi Core Support sequences I write about them as part of my learning and training. As much as I'm still a newbie to this, maybe some of you will find this helpful (or at least interesting) if you are also new to this kind of glorious work!
March 3, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Elbow Meets Knee
As soon as I lay down on the floor, I started visualizing the muscles in my back lengthening and the curving movement of my neck and head forward as lily petals blooming. I sensed the space beyond my head and elbows and I didn’t experience pain in my arms even once during the sequence. It was a completely easeful experience. One thing I’ve continually noticed is that when I lie down my shoulders tend to place closer to my ears than I would like. I know that is a sign of tension, yet at the same time, it takes effort to get my shoulders to go anywhere else and that isn’t the kind of work this is. Perhaps this also has something to do with the fact that my shoulders have been on high alert for so long – maybe it will just take a longer time until they remember where they belong.
March 6, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Elbow Meets Knee
It has been an excessively emotional and physically stressful few days and I could tell that it has affected me. I decided to do a little experiment and do the same Core Support sequence that I did with such ease just a couple days ago. I started visualizing the same way I did the other day. My mind wanted to wander instead of staying focused on what I was encouraging it to do. My body wasn’t as responsive as it was the other day. I felt heavier. My legs were tensed for no reason and my shoulder blades told me they weren’t ready to release. I realized that today wasn’t a day to practice movement. Today was a day to lie down and listen and visualize when my mind let me visualize. I wasn’t going to beat myself up for my mind wandering.
March 9, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
My body chose this movement today. It wasn’t a process of deciding which I wanted to do; my body definitively told me that this is what I needed to do. My movements were very fluid from the beginning and that is something very different. I noticed that my breath was easy and full. I stopped occasionally to roll my head side to side. Maybe that reminded my shoulders that they didn’t need to prepare for anything. When my shoulders are soft, movements throughout the rest of my body are easier.
March 12, 2010
Feldenkrais: Rolling Like a Baby
I’ve fallen in love! I just finished this sequence and it is 10pm. I could either fall asleep or start my day right now because my body feels great, my mind is clear, and I just had so much fun! My shoulders love me and I love them. I know I’ve said something like this before - I have some lingering pain in my shoulder blades but it is the kind of pain that happens because I just had a huge release of tension. I am okay with that! I was very aware of my body throughout this sequence and was able to soften and ease muscles that didn’t need to be used. Toward the end my body started to get confused when it was time to roll from one side to the other without pauses in between. I attempted to do it right away and that caused me to tense. Instead I stopped, listened, and watched myself do it, even so much as to visualize the muscles in my body that I would need to use. Then I was able to do it very slowly. When I stood up at the end I felt ten times lighter and my back and shoulders were so relaxed that I almost wanted to cry. I haven’t felt this calm in years. In my opinion, everyone should roll like a baby.
March 13, 2010
Feldenkrais: Easier Sitting
I felt a major difference between the beginning and end of this sequence. At the beginning I could only feel the movement of my pelvis in my lower back and by the end I felt it all the way up through my neck. Interestingly, I started feeling it more when I was told to fix my eyes on an object in the room instead of allowing my head to move freely. I noticed that I tend to contract the muscles in my abdomen and stop breathing when I tilt my pelvis backward (?) to round my back. By the end of the sequence I was beginning to release that habit. At one point the instructions were to round the back but look up with the head (described as a non-habitual way to sit) and I thought to myself, wow, this is how I sit a lot of the time. It almost reminded me of the “Red Light Reflex” or Withdrawal Response in “Somatics”. Anyway…There were times that I wasn’t sure if I was doing the movement correctly – and even with that in mind, the changes are still fantastic. I stood up to walk after and, as always, I feel like I’m walking more like a woman! I must have some serious habitual hip/pelvis muscle issues. Whenever I do sequences involving work with my pelvis I walk around at the end and my legs and hips feel so free.
March 16, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Shoulder & Hip Circles
This was particularly challenging for me today. Even with the smallest movements I still felt jerkiness in my body. Visualizing that I was painting a circle with my shoulder blade allowed more freedom in my upper back, though I could tell I was still holding on to something and my body told me it wasn’t okay to let go of it right now. When it came to my hips I became frustrated and realized that I would need to listen instead of do. I just couldn’t find my hips today.
March 20, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
I am in the hotel room in Michigan. There was a visitation at the church where I had my first encounters with lots and lots of family. I was finally able to let go of some anxiety once I got there. This evening was the first time I could eat in a few days without having major stomach problems. I came back to the hotel and decided that continuing with the positivity of the evening by putting myself on the floor and doing some core support movements would be the best way to take care of me. I didn’t have a lot of space or privacy so I had to modify what I usually do. I put my Music for Healing music on my iPod and lay still on the floor for several minutes visualizing the sequence first. As I did this I could feel a shift in the quality of my presence in my body. I cannot think of any other way to say that. At one point I even moved a little bit on the ground to change how I felt contact with the floor. Eventually I physically did the movement, although I didn’t do the movement as many times as the CD usually leads me through.
March 25, 2010
Feldenkrais: Flexible Bending
Lots of body confusion during this sequence. I understood everything being said but my coordination wasn’t all there. My body wasn’t listening to me today. My shoulders wanted to hold on to tension for dear life and my jaw was clenched the majority of the time. I visualized the movements when I was unable to release my shoulders and it impeded my ability to move without pain. All that said, it amazes me to say that I still noticed a significant change from the beginning to the end of the lesson in my comfortable range in bending from side to side. I am starting to realize that the pelvis really is the foundation for most movements in the body. Perhaps that’s why everything comes with so much more ease when the instructions “press your left (or right) foot into the floor and make the same movement” are added. It’s glorious!
March 27, 2010
Unergi Weekend Feldenkrais Sequence (Saturday)
I am writing this on Monday. I’ve already written my response for March 28th and the only thing I can think to write for this response is that I can’t remember most of it because I was so disturbed about falling asleep before we started. I remember making a rectangle with my arms and moving my arms from side to side. I recall that being a very pleasurable feeling in my shoulder blades, almost as if I was lubricating my shoulder blades.
March 28, 2010
Unergi Weekend Feldenkrais Sequence (Sunday)
One thing that really confused my body was pressing my hip into the floor. I wasn’t able to relay that message through my body. Going down the diagonal, I was able to press my shoulder, mid-back, and foot with no problem – the hip just wasn’t happening for me on its own. If anything, it caused me to tense my entire leg and butt. I really enjoyed the rolling movement that comes from pressing my foot into the floor to lift my hip and allowing my whole spine and neck to follow accordingly. I think that is starting to be one of my favorite things about Feldenkrais and Unergi Core Support Movements. Very freeing. When turning my palms and letting my neck turn, that became very fluid. The sensation when making a fist was different; there was a hint of tension and rigidity to the movement and I switched back to open palms.
March 29, 2010
Unergi Core Support Movement: Pelvic Dial
Today I had another experience of what I would call my body choosing the sequence. My body asked to do the Pelvic Dial. I took extra time to repeat the movements at 12 & 6 and 3 & 9. As much as I’ve practiced this sequence, my body is still confused about 3 & 9 much of the time. My hips (or something) often crack the first few times I move in those directions. I realized about halfway through this time that I may have had some sort of unrealized expectation about how large of a circle I should create with my hips. I purposely made much smaller movements to see how it felt. I noticed my breathing become automatically easier and muscles that I never noticed that I was holding release. Becoming truly aware is quite a process.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Unergi March weekend 2010
Hello dear Unergi Students
I am still shimmering in the energy of this last weekend...
when I awoke early this morning I felt very clearly that it was an "Auftakt" (German), or a "Preparing of the Receptive Field" for our next gathering.
The word gathering is a very clear description of what we are doing...gathering the energy needed that in a group like this can lead to a significant paradigm shift.
WE are doing the ground work to create a group wave that moves us all forward into a new belief system,... as we are shedding centuries of individual and group perception. ....
This work is SO MUCH easier when done in a group rather than alone, in fact it needs the focused group energy to move us all forward .
As we have been discovering, every member of the group is an equally important spoke in the larger wheel...as each spoke adds to our combined strength, we are all learning much more easily about what is missing in our individual lives, and inform each other profoundly with caring support and deep listening.
All I have to do is to recall what I learned from and about how:
-Anneliese is handling her grief with so much grace and poetry...
- how Inge seems to have moved to a comfortable plateau on her journey full of struggles, where she can appreciate all the hard work she has done to rest HERE...for however long
- Sandra, courageously took the plunge to experience Unergi table work with me and discovered an experience way in the past, she had no clue of how deeply it had impacted her life (maybe -as she mused- it was even a cause to run away from Germany many years ago to live in the States ?)
-Amy ( being the youngest, she is looked at by all of us older folks with envy...what if we had started with this self awareness stuff in our early twenties ??) , she does her work with so much passion and drive for discovery, travelling that edge of authenticity relentlessly....
Marjory, who keeps coming back to Unergi year after year, spiraling on and on, knowing that this life is simply about deepening awareness. Period.
This was a small group this time, and we missed those who were physically recovering from health issues and those who had to be elsewhere, AND it was intense and intimate and very beautiful.
I am sensing that the next time will involve experiments with extra sensory perception and far seeing (or you might also call it channeling, but not in the ordinary sense we have much knowledge of so far). Let's just say I spent this morning in preparation and I know that there is much more to come, ...
Those of you who don't have the self evaluation forms, or have never filled one out, please request them from us. I encourage you with all my might to please dig in with these...you can write as little or as much as you feel comfortable, and when you do, you'll find that all this work that you are doing with us is finding a whole new level. In addition you are inviting us into your world again, in which we learn and play with you,.... continuing to prepare the field for awesome things to come that will create beauty and meaning in our lives as never before! ( If you are sensitive to share it with the public at large you can simply change your name to a "Unergi name" ).
Blessings and Joy on your Self Healing Journey
I am happy to learn and work and play with you,
Ute
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
My Rainy Day Orchestra
I wrote this last week when the rain was really coming down and the wind was howling. We lost power for about 5 hours. It was a wonderful 5 hours. I posted it to my blog. I read it again this evening and thought some of you might like to read it, too.
The house was blissfully peaceful when the power went out during the storm yesterday. No electronic noises. Julie was at work. My parents decided to take a nap. No lights.
The tick-tock of the school house clock in the hallway was the only sound inside the house that I could hear. The swinging of the pendulum is like an inverted ticker on an old fashioned metronome. I opened the blinds in my room and lay on my bed.
I closed my eyes.
I closed my eyes and listened.
I closed my eyes and listened and watched a glorious nature ballet.
Winds at many speeds rustled through the different varieties of trees outside my windows. The wind sang its own song in the sky. The wind spinning just like the human voice. Branches brushed the siding of the house. Rain sputtered against the screen of my windows. Rain hit the glass of my window without a screen. Rain spit against the metal bilco doors beneath my windows. Rain came in mist, large drops, sheets of water, and sometimes a steady fall.
The combination of sounds always new and exciting. A symphony of nature. I could see twirling trees in the wind. Dancing willow people allowing the rain to wash over them, being free in movement, spirit, and heart.
The house was blissfully peaceful when the power went out during the storm yesterday. No electronic noises. Julie was at work. My parents decided to take a nap. No lights.
The tick-tock of the school house clock in the hallway was the only sound inside the house that I could hear. The swinging of the pendulum is like an inverted ticker on an old fashioned metronome. I opened the blinds in my room and lay on my bed.
I closed my eyes.
I closed my eyes and listened.
I closed my eyes and listened and watched a glorious nature ballet.
Winds at many speeds rustled through the different varieties of trees outside my windows. The wind sang its own song in the sky. The wind spinning just like the human voice. Branches brushed the siding of the house. Rain sputtered against the screen of my windows. Rain hit the glass of my window without a screen. Rain spit against the metal bilco doors beneath my windows. Rain came in mist, large drops, sheets of water, and sometimes a steady fall.
The combination of sounds always new and exciting. A symphony of nature. I could see twirling trees in the wind. Dancing willow people allowing the rain to wash over them, being free in movement, spirit, and heart.
Friday, March 05, 2010
January 2010 Unergi Weekend
Unergi Self Evaluation
1. What was the most moving time for you?
I was amazed at the whole experience of being on the table in front of the group – what I experienced in the moment, what I experienced afterward, and what I sensed from the rest of the group. When I first volunteered to be the demo person I sort of had a “why not?” mentality and then had momentary thoughts of “what am I getting myself into?” but I knew everything would happen as it was supposed to happen. In a way, I felt like I was supposed to be up there. When I sat up and realized that I went from “I don’t know if there’s anything inside of me” to “I’m not stupid” and looked around at everyone, I felt such immense support. I felt like I could do anything in that moment. I felt support within myself and support from every single person in the room and that was moving beyond words. Saying “I’m not stupid” 8 times to 8 different people felt fantastic! It felt true…for the first time in my life.
2. Choose a situation that you had difficulties with. Identify the issues and your learning.
I’m working on this self-evaluation in bits and pieces so I’ve already written a little bit about this under “honoring resistance”, but I had difficulty honoring resistance! I didn’t listen to my body when it was telling me not to push too hard when we were doing movements with our arms sitting in chairs in our circle. I helped refold and put away the blankets on Sunday even though I was in a lot of pain and I shouldn’t have done as much as I did. I didn’t pay attention to my body because I wanted to be helpful. My issue is always wanting to be helpful because if I’m not helpful then what good am I? This will be a work in progress for me. I need to accept that there are other options and that my worth is not based on how much I “help”. I need to have enough self-worth to recognize that I can let others know when I have to stop and take care of me. I know that I won’t be judged by our group, but my little friend “should” is creeping along beside me and trying to get into my head. I learned that I’m perpetuating behaviors that I’m here to change by allowing my own self-judgment to take over. I learned that if I treat myself as well as I treat other people I’d be taking much better care of myself.
3. Choose a situation that you liked, and identify the connection and your learning.
One of my favorite parts of the weekend was when we stood in a circle and step by step came closer and closer together until we were squeezed really close together and we all felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic. As soon as we learned to take up space and deepen and lengthen and widen it was immediately okay to be so close together. We were still touching, probably even more so because our muscles were no longer tensed. My learning came from being able to stay in my body while being very physically close to others at the same time. When we stepped away, my first reaction was feeling alone. I became used to the closeness once I was able to be comfortable being in my body.
4. How do you feel about feedback and critique?
I always like to hear other’s interpretations of situations and their views and opinions about what I’ve said or done. It is helpful to understand how different things are communicated. I’m especially enthusiastic about feedback when it presents an alternative way of thinking about an idea that is helpful. When I started this self-evaluation I decided not to look at the one I filled out in November, but the overriding answer to this question remains the same: if given in the spirit of compassion and support, feedback and critique is great!
5.
a. what have you learned about self-care?
My lack of self-care is what put me in the position (physically with fibromyalgia, etc) I am in today. I didn’t pay attention to my body screaming at me to wake up and take care of myself instead of taking care of everything and everyone else. As much as I thought I’d already started to reverse this process, I re-learned it over this weekend. I need to be responsible for taking care of myself and not worrying about everyone else all the time. I need to rethink my definition of selfish.
b. How have you begun integrating it this session?
On my last self-evaluation I think I wrote that I was going to doing Unergi Core Support Movement sequences every other day. I think that happened for about 3 weeks and then that stopped because I allowed life to get in the way. During those 3 weeks my body was relatively nice to me in the pain arena. Since coming back from this weekend I have slowly started doing movement sequences again. I also go to sleep with a relaxation or meditation CD playing.
c. How do you intend to practice it between now and next time?
I need to make myself a priority in my life. That almost sounds silly when I read it, but it is exactly what I need to do. It will be a challenge. I am a giver and helper AND I need to take care of myself. I intend to say no when have no more to give. I will lie on the floor every day even if it is just for 15 minutes to allow my shoulder blades to ease into the floor. I am going to set my alarm earlier than I need and give myself time to wake up and wiggle and move around in bed because I am in the most pain in the morning.
6. What part of yourself did you discover you can now love?
I can love the part of me that is starting to open up, understand that she can trust people, and be vulnerable. I can love the part of me that doesn’t have to be a rock all the time. I cried in front of 8 people! I love that person! I love the part of me that can do a “back dance” with Edna, too!
7.
a. Describe a habitual behavior that you discovered.
We discussed startle patterns and it really made me think about how often I allow myself to leave my body. I shared that I startle when I come home. I’ve come to realize that my body startles in several other situations. I have become so used to it that I didn’t notice just how frequently I leave my body and tense until I really thought about it for a few days. I’ve paid close attention over the past week and no wonder I’m in pain! It takes effort to release into the support of my own body, the support I offer myself, the support of the chair, or the floor, or the bed.
b. Describe a new option you discovered.
During the weekend, Diane shared a suggestion with me after we shared the experience of being partners in an Alexander exercise. The option she helped me uncover is difficult to articulate. It is something I just understand within me. Sometimes I doubt my strength; my strength in all forms. My new option is to become aware of the strength and spirit in the core of Amy and stay grounded in that harmonious place. When I do that, I will be able to soften and allow myself to be supported by my surroundings and myself.
8. Comment on your experience of the following:
a. Verbal skills
I’ve come to realize that in the core of my being, I feel so deeply that sometimes it influences my ability to effectively verbalize my thoughts and feelings. Then I start judging myself for it, and then I worry about how others might judge me for not being able to verbalize things concisely. That’s why I just keep my mouth shut a lot of the time, which, I’m sure, relates to my doubts about my intelligence. It is amazing how everything is so interconnected. Through all of this intellectual stuff, the important thing is that I FEEL!
On a different note – I really appreciate the encouragement and support in learning how to replace “but” with “and” when appropriate. It is a small change, but when the words come out, my body feels different when I say “and” and the sensations are more calm and relaxed instead of tense. The realizations of the little things surprise me every day.
b. Somatic moves
My body really appreciates movement while lying down. My shoulders and upper back had been especially painful throughout the week and over the weekend. I think it was Sunday morning that we did the movement lying on our side with our arms at a 90 degree angle and palms facing each other, etc. It did wonders for me. As I did the movement it felt easy and smooth instead of forced. When I came to a point of feeling some tension or pull, I stayed there for a moment and then moved past it. Eventually the movement was fluid. The comparison at the end when I lay on my back was completely different. My shoulder blades melted into the floor and my chest felt open.
c. Trust and intuition
Edna was my back-buddy on Sunday. As we stepped forward and came back to back, I could always tell when we would connect again. I was never afraid that she wouldn’t be there and I never looked behind to make sure - I just knew she would be there. When we started moving a little we were completely in sync with each other and I don’t remember our backs separating at all. We only moved around the room a little bit, but it was like we were glued together and we both knew where to go.
d. Creative expression
When I first sat down to work with my black and white paper and create my Notan art, the fading perfectionist in me appeared and I struggled to even decide how to start. It only took a few minutes before I settled and became comfortable with letting the scissors guide me. My intention was to create something balanced and I knew my hands would guide me. Although there aren’t really any mistakes in art, my scissors didn’t guide me as smoothly as I anticipated and I had to do things a little differently than planned. I guess I could say that I “messed up”…it just gave me an opportunity to be more creative.
e. Experimentation (see “Relating to nature”)
f. Relating to nature
Although we didn’t spend much time outside during this weekend, I felt a very strong connection to nature, specifically water. I can’t remember when it came up during the weekend, but we talked about water moving around, with and through the rocks in a river and it has been running through my mind constantly. I work on my self-evaluations little by little to give myself time to process the weekend, and I actually just sat down at my computer after writing a stream of consciousness about being water in a river. That is a form of experimentation for me. In the past I couldn’t imagine doing something like writing fragmented thoughts about being a river or being water. My intellectual self would usually prevent me from going to a place within me that could do that, but my options are opening up and the significance of that is life changing. The things I scribbled in my book 20 minutes ago aren’t anything that could be called a poem or lyrics right now, but I was able to close the book and feel good about what I wrote. It was a beautiful experiment. A great success.
g. Fertile void
When I first stood up after getting off of the table, you sort of helped me start walking away because I felt like I couldn’t start moving my legs. As I walked around I felt this wash of confusion over me and I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on or what had just happened. At the same time I DID know that I was just on the table and remembered most of what happened while I was on the table…but there was more than that. My body was experiencing a flood of information and sensations and my brain just had to take a break and let my body do what it needed to do and learn what it needed to learn in that moment. I don’t know how to describe it any other way.
h. Honoring resistance
It might take me a while to fully embrace this concept as it relates to physical movement and the idea that less is more. As we sat in our circle and did the movements with our arms, I did more than I should have and only stopped after my upper back was in so much pain that I basically couldn’t lift my arms anymore. I sit here contemplating what is going on inside of me that compels me to push myself beyond what I’m capable of and it isn’t pride…it’s the “should” that snuck back into my vocabulary. I thought I shunned the “shoulds” away, but I guess part of the process is that things don’t change overnight. I know everything will come in time; my learning will solidify as I continue on my path and my intentions become more and more clear.
9. How do you see the experience as Unergi student influencing your professional career?
My experiences as a Unergi student will influence my professional career in every way.
10. What are the different ways you can integrate Unergi into your community?
For the most part, my community IS the Unergi community so it is pretty integrated already. Everyone else I know on a personal level that accepts the concept of Unergi listens to me talk about it as often as I bring it up (Ann Marie). After I graduate from Bucks and start at LaSalle, I imagine I will find a larger community of people that are interested in holism and everything that Unergi offers to the world. It can start with doing exercises from your book with a partner or in a small group and seeing if that leads to any kind of discussion. If people become interested they could end up on their own Unergi journey!
11. Is there a particular interest group/special population you see yourself working with in the future?
This is still blurry to me because I feel so clear and passionate that Unergi can help and change the lives of anyone that embraces it. On a broad level I would love to be able to somehow work with people that don’t have funds to access this kind of therapy. Obviously this would take a lot of planning, etc, but it’s a dream that would be amazing to achieve. I also might consider working with women in domestic violence shelters or people that have been in abusive relationships. There’s time to decide.
12. What was a significant learning during the:
a. Body-Mind Sequences?
b. Alexander Studies?
I believe I experienced the true meaning of Touchback when we did the exercise with our partners on Sunday afternoon. When I pushed on Diane’s shoulders as if I was pushing through water I could sense how her body responded to my hands. It was like I could feel her body shifting and it made me immediately more aware of myself and the way I was experiencing how I was standing and sensing my body. By the end of the exercise, even though I had to initiate the contact by touching her shoulders, the touch ends up being mutually given and received by both people. We were two people in a moment in time connected by hands and shoulders, but it wasn’t as if one person controlled the other. When the exercise was finished and Diane shared that she experienced what she felt was a realigning in her spine when I pushed like I was pushing through water it was just confirmation that I really did experience Touchback. Putting all of this into words is pretty difficult!
c. Gestalt Practice?
Speaking to Marjory as if she was my authority figure standing there was a very interesting experience. Saying the things I said to a real, live, human being as if she was my authority figure made it even more real than speaking to a pillow. When Marjory responded the way I wish an authority figure would respond just made my body want to fall through the table, and yet, I could feel my body tense. I know things are shifting in me. In the past I would have refused to do any kind of role-playing activity. I’m growing. My learning in this particular scenario encourages my inner authority to blossom. The Gestalt practice helped to make the verbalization more accessible if I need it AND I now have more confirmation that my inner authority is the best guide I need now.
13. Any additional comments?
The theme of the weekend was Becoming Visible. I am becoming visible to myself right now by being my own authority and embracing my own strength.
1. What was the most moving time for you?
I was amazed at the whole experience of being on the table in front of the group – what I experienced in the moment, what I experienced afterward, and what I sensed from the rest of the group. When I first volunteered to be the demo person I sort of had a “why not?” mentality and then had momentary thoughts of “what am I getting myself into?” but I knew everything would happen as it was supposed to happen. In a way, I felt like I was supposed to be up there. When I sat up and realized that I went from “I don’t know if there’s anything inside of me” to “I’m not stupid” and looked around at everyone, I felt such immense support. I felt like I could do anything in that moment. I felt support within myself and support from every single person in the room and that was moving beyond words. Saying “I’m not stupid” 8 times to 8 different people felt fantastic! It felt true…for the first time in my life.
2. Choose a situation that you had difficulties with. Identify the issues and your learning.
I’m working on this self-evaluation in bits and pieces so I’ve already written a little bit about this under “honoring resistance”, but I had difficulty honoring resistance! I didn’t listen to my body when it was telling me not to push too hard when we were doing movements with our arms sitting in chairs in our circle. I helped refold and put away the blankets on Sunday even though I was in a lot of pain and I shouldn’t have done as much as I did. I didn’t pay attention to my body because I wanted to be helpful. My issue is always wanting to be helpful because if I’m not helpful then what good am I? This will be a work in progress for me. I need to accept that there are other options and that my worth is not based on how much I “help”. I need to have enough self-worth to recognize that I can let others know when I have to stop and take care of me. I know that I won’t be judged by our group, but my little friend “should” is creeping along beside me and trying to get into my head. I learned that I’m perpetuating behaviors that I’m here to change by allowing my own self-judgment to take over. I learned that if I treat myself as well as I treat other people I’d be taking much better care of myself.
3. Choose a situation that you liked, and identify the connection and your learning.
One of my favorite parts of the weekend was when we stood in a circle and step by step came closer and closer together until we were squeezed really close together and we all felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic. As soon as we learned to take up space and deepen and lengthen and widen it was immediately okay to be so close together. We were still touching, probably even more so because our muscles were no longer tensed. My learning came from being able to stay in my body while being very physically close to others at the same time. When we stepped away, my first reaction was feeling alone. I became used to the closeness once I was able to be comfortable being in my body.
4. How do you feel about feedback and critique?
I always like to hear other’s interpretations of situations and their views and opinions about what I’ve said or done. It is helpful to understand how different things are communicated. I’m especially enthusiastic about feedback when it presents an alternative way of thinking about an idea that is helpful. When I started this self-evaluation I decided not to look at the one I filled out in November, but the overriding answer to this question remains the same: if given in the spirit of compassion and support, feedback and critique is great!
5.
a. what have you learned about self-care?
My lack of self-care is what put me in the position (physically with fibromyalgia, etc) I am in today. I didn’t pay attention to my body screaming at me to wake up and take care of myself instead of taking care of everything and everyone else. As much as I thought I’d already started to reverse this process, I re-learned it over this weekend. I need to be responsible for taking care of myself and not worrying about everyone else all the time. I need to rethink my definition of selfish.
b. How have you begun integrating it this session?
On my last self-evaluation I think I wrote that I was going to doing Unergi Core Support Movement sequences every other day. I think that happened for about 3 weeks and then that stopped because I allowed life to get in the way. During those 3 weeks my body was relatively nice to me in the pain arena. Since coming back from this weekend I have slowly started doing movement sequences again. I also go to sleep with a relaxation or meditation CD playing.
c. How do you intend to practice it between now and next time?
I need to make myself a priority in my life. That almost sounds silly when I read it, but it is exactly what I need to do. It will be a challenge. I am a giver and helper AND I need to take care of myself. I intend to say no when have no more to give. I will lie on the floor every day even if it is just for 15 minutes to allow my shoulder blades to ease into the floor. I am going to set my alarm earlier than I need and give myself time to wake up and wiggle and move around in bed because I am in the most pain in the morning.
6. What part of yourself did you discover you can now love?
I can love the part of me that is starting to open up, understand that she can trust people, and be vulnerable. I can love the part of me that doesn’t have to be a rock all the time. I cried in front of 8 people! I love that person! I love the part of me that can do a “back dance” with Edna, too!
7.
a. Describe a habitual behavior that you discovered.
We discussed startle patterns and it really made me think about how often I allow myself to leave my body. I shared that I startle when I come home. I’ve come to realize that my body startles in several other situations. I have become so used to it that I didn’t notice just how frequently I leave my body and tense until I really thought about it for a few days. I’ve paid close attention over the past week and no wonder I’m in pain! It takes effort to release into the support of my own body, the support I offer myself, the support of the chair, or the floor, or the bed.
b. Describe a new option you discovered.
During the weekend, Diane shared a suggestion with me after we shared the experience of being partners in an Alexander exercise. The option she helped me uncover is difficult to articulate. It is something I just understand within me. Sometimes I doubt my strength; my strength in all forms. My new option is to become aware of the strength and spirit in the core of Amy and stay grounded in that harmonious place. When I do that, I will be able to soften and allow myself to be supported by my surroundings and myself.
8. Comment on your experience of the following:
a. Verbal skills
I’ve come to realize that in the core of my being, I feel so deeply that sometimes it influences my ability to effectively verbalize my thoughts and feelings. Then I start judging myself for it, and then I worry about how others might judge me for not being able to verbalize things concisely. That’s why I just keep my mouth shut a lot of the time, which, I’m sure, relates to my doubts about my intelligence. It is amazing how everything is so interconnected. Through all of this intellectual stuff, the important thing is that I FEEL!
On a different note – I really appreciate the encouragement and support in learning how to replace “but” with “and” when appropriate. It is a small change, but when the words come out, my body feels different when I say “and” and the sensations are more calm and relaxed instead of tense. The realizations of the little things surprise me every day.
b. Somatic moves
My body really appreciates movement while lying down. My shoulders and upper back had been especially painful throughout the week and over the weekend. I think it was Sunday morning that we did the movement lying on our side with our arms at a 90 degree angle and palms facing each other, etc. It did wonders for me. As I did the movement it felt easy and smooth instead of forced. When I came to a point of feeling some tension or pull, I stayed there for a moment and then moved past it. Eventually the movement was fluid. The comparison at the end when I lay on my back was completely different. My shoulder blades melted into the floor and my chest felt open.
c. Trust and intuition
Edna was my back-buddy on Sunday. As we stepped forward and came back to back, I could always tell when we would connect again. I was never afraid that she wouldn’t be there and I never looked behind to make sure - I just knew she would be there. When we started moving a little we were completely in sync with each other and I don’t remember our backs separating at all. We only moved around the room a little bit, but it was like we were glued together and we both knew where to go.
d. Creative expression
When I first sat down to work with my black and white paper and create my Notan art, the fading perfectionist in me appeared and I struggled to even decide how to start. It only took a few minutes before I settled and became comfortable with letting the scissors guide me. My intention was to create something balanced and I knew my hands would guide me. Although there aren’t really any mistakes in art, my scissors didn’t guide me as smoothly as I anticipated and I had to do things a little differently than planned. I guess I could say that I “messed up”…it just gave me an opportunity to be more creative.
e. Experimentation (see “Relating to nature”)
f. Relating to nature
Although we didn’t spend much time outside during this weekend, I felt a very strong connection to nature, specifically water. I can’t remember when it came up during the weekend, but we talked about water moving around, with and through the rocks in a river and it has been running through my mind constantly. I work on my self-evaluations little by little to give myself time to process the weekend, and I actually just sat down at my computer after writing a stream of consciousness about being water in a river. That is a form of experimentation for me. In the past I couldn’t imagine doing something like writing fragmented thoughts about being a river or being water. My intellectual self would usually prevent me from going to a place within me that could do that, but my options are opening up and the significance of that is life changing. The things I scribbled in my book 20 minutes ago aren’t anything that could be called a poem or lyrics right now, but I was able to close the book and feel good about what I wrote. It was a beautiful experiment. A great success.
g. Fertile void
When I first stood up after getting off of the table, you sort of helped me start walking away because I felt like I couldn’t start moving my legs. As I walked around I felt this wash of confusion over me and I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on or what had just happened. At the same time I DID know that I was just on the table and remembered most of what happened while I was on the table…but there was more than that. My body was experiencing a flood of information and sensations and my brain just had to take a break and let my body do what it needed to do and learn what it needed to learn in that moment. I don’t know how to describe it any other way.
h. Honoring resistance
It might take me a while to fully embrace this concept as it relates to physical movement and the idea that less is more. As we sat in our circle and did the movements with our arms, I did more than I should have and only stopped after my upper back was in so much pain that I basically couldn’t lift my arms anymore. I sit here contemplating what is going on inside of me that compels me to push myself beyond what I’m capable of and it isn’t pride…it’s the “should” that snuck back into my vocabulary. I thought I shunned the “shoulds” away, but I guess part of the process is that things don’t change overnight. I know everything will come in time; my learning will solidify as I continue on my path and my intentions become more and more clear.
9. How do you see the experience as Unergi student influencing your professional career?
My experiences as a Unergi student will influence my professional career in every way.
10. What are the different ways you can integrate Unergi into your community?
For the most part, my community IS the Unergi community so it is pretty integrated already. Everyone else I know on a personal level that accepts the concept of Unergi listens to me talk about it as often as I bring it up (Ann Marie). After I graduate from Bucks and start at LaSalle, I imagine I will find a larger community of people that are interested in holism and everything that Unergi offers to the world. It can start with doing exercises from your book with a partner or in a small group and seeing if that leads to any kind of discussion. If people become interested they could end up on their own Unergi journey!
11. Is there a particular interest group/special population you see yourself working with in the future?
This is still blurry to me because I feel so clear and passionate that Unergi can help and change the lives of anyone that embraces it. On a broad level I would love to be able to somehow work with people that don’t have funds to access this kind of therapy. Obviously this would take a lot of planning, etc, but it’s a dream that would be amazing to achieve. I also might consider working with women in domestic violence shelters or people that have been in abusive relationships. There’s time to decide.
12. What was a significant learning during the:
a. Body-Mind Sequences?
b. Alexander Studies?
I believe I experienced the true meaning of Touchback when we did the exercise with our partners on Sunday afternoon. When I pushed on Diane’s shoulders as if I was pushing through water I could sense how her body responded to my hands. It was like I could feel her body shifting and it made me immediately more aware of myself and the way I was experiencing how I was standing and sensing my body. By the end of the exercise, even though I had to initiate the contact by touching her shoulders, the touch ends up being mutually given and received by both people. We were two people in a moment in time connected by hands and shoulders, but it wasn’t as if one person controlled the other. When the exercise was finished and Diane shared that she experienced what she felt was a realigning in her spine when I pushed like I was pushing through water it was just confirmation that I really did experience Touchback. Putting all of this into words is pretty difficult!
c. Gestalt Practice?
Speaking to Marjory as if she was my authority figure standing there was a very interesting experience. Saying the things I said to a real, live, human being as if she was my authority figure made it even more real than speaking to a pillow. When Marjory responded the way I wish an authority figure would respond just made my body want to fall through the table, and yet, I could feel my body tense. I know things are shifting in me. In the past I would have refused to do any kind of role-playing activity. I’m growing. My learning in this particular scenario encourages my inner authority to blossom. The Gestalt practice helped to make the verbalization more accessible if I need it AND I now have more confirmation that my inner authority is the best guide I need now.
13. Any additional comments?
The theme of the weekend was Becoming Visible. I am becoming visible to myself right now by being my own authority and embracing my own strength.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Rolling in the Snow
I snapped some photos of snow covered trees during the snowstorms last week. Ute saw the pictures and suggested that I might go outside sometime, roll around in the snow, and then snap a few photos from that point of view. What a new and different perspective!
When I first stepped into the snow and started moving, I realized that I would soon discover a new way to sense the earth. I stepped into the snow next to the driveway and it had irregular layers of thin ice on top. I crunched through the icy snow until I reached the untouched areas of the yard where it became easier to move. I learned how to sense the earth in a different way - through the layers of snow that wrapped the ground and trees, through my boots and feet and legs and body. I relearned how to sense my body through the earth in a new way…through the snow.
I knew the earth was there supporting me; I just couldn’t see it clearly or feel it right away. I gained my “sea legs” and walked to my tree and allowed my body to softly fall to the ground. (It wasn’t that far away!) I lay underneath my tree and took a picture through her bare branches toward the sky.
I eventually stood up and made my way toward another tree – the one that lost another limb. I noticed that the place where it broke is directly above where a branch broke two and a half years ago. The break pattern is similar. I took a photo.
Then it was time for the real fun. I went up to the top of the backyard and put myself on the ground. I didn’t move at first. I allowed the snow to cradle every curve of my body and I was able to soften and accept the support it offered me. It may have been cold, but it didn’t matter. My body and mind felt incredibly at ease. I could feel every muscle in my neck, back, and hips soften. The world was still, my mind was still. I could hear squirrels jumping across tree branches and when I opened my eyes I saw birds flying overhead. Nothing else. Just peace and beauty.
Until today, I hadn’t rolled in snow for years. After lying still, I rolled like I’ve never rolled as an adult. I’d never rolled as an adult! I felt so silly. I felt like a little kid and I had so much fun!! I didn’t worry about taking a “perfect picture”; I just pointed and pushed the button. It was interesting what came out. I’ve spent so much time in my life only doing things if I thought, or someone else told me, that it had a “PURPOSE” … to reach some sort of pre-determined “GOAL” that would help me “GET SOMEWHERE”. Hmmm. These things can be important. These things are not the be-all end-all of life. How boring. Who decides what is important … what is purposeful, what a great goal is, where is somewhere? Authority figures. Based on what? Society?
My entire snow experience offered me an opportunity to feel completely whole, as the Amy I AM. Who knew that snow could serve as another way to help me reclaim my sense of self as my best guide?
I’m definitely LIVING IN THE LAYERS.
When I first stepped into the snow and started moving, I realized that I would soon discover a new way to sense the earth. I stepped into the snow next to the driveway and it had irregular layers of thin ice on top. I crunched through the icy snow until I reached the untouched areas of the yard where it became easier to move. I learned how to sense the earth in a different way - through the layers of snow that wrapped the ground and trees, through my boots and feet and legs and body. I relearned how to sense my body through the earth in a new way…through the snow.
I knew the earth was there supporting me; I just couldn’t see it clearly or feel it right away. I gained my “sea legs” and walked to my tree and allowed my body to softly fall to the ground. (It wasn’t that far away!) I lay underneath my tree and took a picture through her bare branches toward the sky.
I eventually stood up and made my way toward another tree – the one that lost another limb. I noticed that the place where it broke is directly above where a branch broke two and a half years ago. The break pattern is similar. I took a photo.
Then it was time for the real fun. I went up to the top of the backyard and put myself on the ground. I didn’t move at first. I allowed the snow to cradle every curve of my body and I was able to soften and accept the support it offered me. It may have been cold, but it didn’t matter. My body and mind felt incredibly at ease. I could feel every muscle in my neck, back, and hips soften. The world was still, my mind was still. I could hear squirrels jumping across tree branches and when I opened my eyes I saw birds flying overhead. Nothing else. Just peace and beauty.
Until today, I hadn’t rolled in snow for years. After lying still, I rolled like I’ve never rolled as an adult. I’d never rolled as an adult! I felt so silly. I felt like a little kid and I had so much fun!! I didn’t worry about taking a “perfect picture”; I just pointed and pushed the button. It was interesting what came out. I’ve spent so much time in my life only doing things if I thought, or someone else told me, that it had a “PURPOSE” … to reach some sort of pre-determined “GOAL” that would help me “GET SOMEWHERE”. Hmmm. These things can be important. These things are not the be-all end-all of life. How boring. Who decides what is important … what is purposeful, what a great goal is, where is somewhere? Authority figures. Based on what? Society?
My entire snow experience offered me an opportunity to feel completely whole, as the Amy I AM. Who knew that snow could serve as another way to help me reclaim my sense of self as my best guide?
I’m definitely LIVING IN THE LAYERS.
Welcome to the N E W Unergi Blog!
Welcome to this most exciting NEW Unergi Blog. The experience of Unergi is unique to each person who participates in the study group/training. What follows are excerpts from a number of students in response to Unergi homework/play and self-evaluations. These excerpts capture the essence of an insight, an ‘a-ha’ moment which creates profound change in a person’s life. Each is an outward manifestation of a heart-centered attempt to come to terms with the lessons learned through intense and/or lighthearted Unergi sessions and exercises – experiences that are often challenging to integrate into the fabric of one’s life but are carried in the soul until new choices of response become more easily available.
Because these studies are experiential and holistic (blending bodywork, movement, art, writing, interactions with nature, and so on), the content of these pieces is quite varied, and we try to include perspectives on various components of Unergi. Real change occurs for the students who undertake this journey, and it can be quite wrenching when old aspects of the personality and life situation die and transform into something new. We often joke that each student should take a “before” and “after” picture of themselves, because the changes experienced are so profound as to have a penetrating impact on one’s physical appearance. We feel and therefore look different; more present, content, and accepting of our self and the world around us.
I invite you to open your heart to these students’ voices, so that you may share in their journey and open yourself to the experience of transformation. Hearing their struggle and joys toward authenticity may inspire your own quest.
Unergi, you and me on a journey home. (Mary Lou)
Unergi teaches that the responsibility for change lies within me. I learn to own this response-ability and experience empowerment, which moves me towards more holistic/spiritual ways of living my life. Unergi also teaches acceptance (the key to transcendence); it is an honoring of self and others for where one dwells in space and time. Unergi acknowledges one’s pain, for in knowing our pain we allow new truths to enter our lives - the pathway to wholeness. (Kathy)
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