January 2010 Unergi Weekend

Unergi Self Evaluation

1. What was the most moving time for you?

I was amazed at the whole experience of being on the table in front of the group – what I experienced in the moment, what I experienced afterward, and what I sensed from the rest of the group. When I first volunteered to be the demo person I sort of had a “why not?” mentality and then had momentary thoughts of “what am I getting myself into?” but I knew everything would happen as it was supposed to happen. In a way, I felt like I was supposed to be up there. When I sat up and realized that I went from “I don’t know if there’s anything inside of me” to “I’m not stupid” and looked around at everyone, I felt such immense support. I felt like I could do anything in that moment. I felt support within myself and support from every single person in the room and that was moving beyond words. Saying “I’m not stupid” 8 times to 8 different people felt fantastic! It felt true…for the first time in my life.

2. Choose a situation that you had difficulties with. Identify the issues and your learning.

I’m working on this self-evaluation in bits and pieces so I’ve already written a little bit about this under “honoring resistance”, but I had difficulty honoring resistance! I didn’t listen to my body when it was telling me not to push too hard when we were doing movements with our arms sitting in chairs in our circle. I helped refold and put away the blankets on Sunday even though I was in a lot of pain and I shouldn’t have done as much as I did. I didn’t pay attention to my body because I wanted to be helpful. My issue is always wanting to be helpful because if I’m not helpful then what good am I? This will be a work in progress for me. I need to accept that there are other options and that my worth is not based on how much I “help”. I need to have enough self-worth to recognize that I can let others know when I have to stop and take care of me. I know that I won’t be judged by our group, but my little friend “should” is creeping along beside me and trying to get into my head. I learned that I’m perpetuating behaviors that I’m here to change by allowing my own self-judgment to take over. I learned that if I treat myself as well as I treat other people I’d be taking much better care of myself.


3. Choose a situation that you liked, and identify the connection and your learning.

One of my favorite parts of the weekend was when we stood in a circle and step by step came closer and closer together until we were squeezed really close together and we all felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic. As soon as we learned to take up space and deepen and lengthen and widen it was immediately okay to be so close together. We were still touching, probably even more so because our muscles were no longer tensed. My learning came from being able to stay in my body while being very physically close to others at the same time. When we stepped away, my first reaction was feeling alone. I became used to the closeness once I was able to be comfortable being in my body.

4. How do you feel about feedback and critique?

I always like to hear other’s interpretations of situations and their views and opinions about what I’ve said or done. It is helpful to understand how different things are communicated. I’m especially enthusiastic about feedback when it presents an alternative way of thinking about an idea that is helpful. When I started this self-evaluation I decided not to look at the one I filled out in November, but the overriding answer to this question remains the same: if given in the spirit of compassion and support, feedback and critique is great!

5.
a. what have you learned about self-care?

My lack of self-care is what put me in the position (physically with fibromyalgia, etc) I am in today. I didn’t pay attention to my body screaming at me to wake up and take care of myself instead of taking care of everything and everyone else. As much as I thought I’d already started to reverse this process, I re-learned it over this weekend. I need to be responsible for taking care of myself and not worrying about everyone else all the time. I need to rethink my definition of selfish.

b. How have you begun integrating it this session?

On my last self-evaluation I think I wrote that I was going to doing Unergi Core Support Movement sequences every other day. I think that happened for about 3 weeks and then that stopped because I allowed life to get in the way. During those 3 weeks my body was relatively nice to me in the pain arena. Since coming back from this weekend I have slowly started doing movement sequences again. I also go to sleep with a relaxation or meditation CD playing.

c. How do you intend to practice it between now and next time?

I need to make myself a priority in my life. That almost sounds silly when I read it, but it is exactly what I need to do. It will be a challenge. I am a giver and helper AND I need to take care of myself. I intend to say no when have no more to give. I will lie on the floor every day even if it is just for 15 minutes to allow my shoulder blades to ease into the floor. I am going to set my alarm earlier than I need and give myself time to wake up and wiggle and move around in bed because I am in the most pain in the morning.

6. What part of yourself did you discover you can now love?

I can love the part of me that is starting to open up, understand that she can trust people, and be vulnerable. I can love the part of me that doesn’t have to be a rock all the time. I cried in front of 8 people! I love that person! I love the part of me that can do a “back dance” with Edna, too!

7.
a. Describe a habitual behavior that you discovered.

We discussed startle patterns and it really made me think about how often I allow myself to leave my body. I shared that I startle when I come home. I’ve come to realize that my body startles in several other situations. I have become so used to it that I didn’t notice just how frequently I leave my body and tense until I really thought about it for a few days. I’ve paid close attention over the past week and no wonder I’m in pain! It takes effort to release into the support of my own body, the support I offer myself, the support of the chair, or the floor, or the bed.

b. Describe a new option you discovered.

During the weekend, Diane shared a suggestion with me after we shared the experience of being partners in an Alexander exercise. The option she helped me uncover is difficult to articulate. It is something I just understand within me. Sometimes I doubt my strength; my strength in all forms. My new option is to become aware of the strength and spirit in the core of Amy and stay grounded in that harmonious place. When I do that, I will be able to soften and allow myself to be supported by my surroundings and myself.


8. Comment on your experience of the following:


a. Verbal skills

I’ve come to realize that in the core of my being, I feel so deeply that sometimes it influences my ability to effectively verbalize my thoughts and feelings. Then I start judging myself for it, and then I worry about how others might judge me for not being able to verbalize things concisely. That’s why I just keep my mouth shut a lot of the time, which, I’m sure, relates to my doubts about my intelligence. It is amazing how everything is so interconnected. Through all of this intellectual stuff, the important thing is that I FEEL!

On a different note – I really appreciate the encouragement and support in learning how to replace “but” with “and” when appropriate. It is a small change, but when the words come out, my body feels different when I say “and” and the sensations are more calm and relaxed instead of tense. The realizations of the little things surprise me every day.


b. Somatic moves

My body really appreciates movement while lying down. My shoulders and upper back had been especially painful throughout the week and over the weekend. I think it was Sunday morning that we did the movement lying on our side with our arms at a 90 degree angle and palms facing each other, etc. It did wonders for me. As I did the movement it felt easy and smooth instead of forced. When I came to a point of feeling some tension or pull, I stayed there for a moment and then moved past it. Eventually the movement was fluid. The comparison at the end when I lay on my back was completely different. My shoulder blades melted into the floor and my chest felt open.

c. Trust and intuition

Edna was my back-buddy on Sunday. As we stepped forward and came back to back, I could always tell when we would connect again. I was never afraid that she wouldn’t be there and I never looked behind to make sure - I just knew she would be there. When we started moving a little we were completely in sync with each other and I don’t remember our backs separating at all. We only moved around the room a little bit, but it was like we were glued together and we both knew where to go.

d. Creative expression

When I first sat down to work with my black and white paper and create my Notan art, the fading perfectionist in me appeared and I struggled to even decide how to start. It only took a few minutes before I settled and became comfortable with letting the scissors guide me. My intention was to create something balanced and I knew my hands would guide me. Although there aren’t really any mistakes in art, my scissors didn’t guide me as smoothly as I anticipated and I had to do things a little differently than planned. I guess I could say that I “messed up”…it just gave me an opportunity to be more creative.


e. Experimentation (see “Relating to nature”)

f. Relating to nature

Although we didn’t spend much time outside during this weekend, I felt a very strong connection to nature, specifically water. I can’t remember when it came up during the weekend, but we talked about water moving around, with and through the rocks in a river and it has been running through my mind constantly. I work on my self-evaluations little by little to give myself time to process the weekend, and I actually just sat down at my computer after writing a stream of consciousness about being water in a river. That is a form of experimentation for me. In the past I couldn’t imagine doing something like writing fragmented thoughts about being a river or being water. My intellectual self would usually prevent me from going to a place within me that could do that, but my options are opening up and the significance of that is life changing. The things I scribbled in my book 20 minutes ago aren’t anything that could be called a poem or lyrics right now, but I was able to close the book and feel good about what I wrote. It was a beautiful experiment. A great success.

g. Fertile void

When I first stood up after getting off of the table, you sort of helped me start walking away because I felt like I couldn’t start moving my legs. As I walked around I felt this wash of confusion over me and I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on or what had just happened. At the same time I DID know that I was just on the table and remembered most of what happened while I was on the table…but there was more than that. My body was experiencing a flood of information and sensations and my brain just had to take a break and let my body do what it needed to do and learn what it needed to learn in that moment. I don’t know how to describe it any other way.

h. Honoring resistance

It might take me a while to fully embrace this concept as it relates to physical movement and the idea that less is more. As we sat in our circle and did the movements with our arms, I did more than I should have and only stopped after my upper back was in so much pain that I basically couldn’t lift my arms anymore. I sit here contemplating what is going on inside of me that compels me to push myself beyond what I’m capable of and it isn’t pride…it’s the “should” that snuck back into my vocabulary. I thought I shunned the “shoulds” away, but I guess part of the process is that things don’t change overnight. I know everything will come in time; my learning will solidify as I continue on my path and my intentions become more and more clear.

9. How do you see the experience as Unergi student influencing your professional career?

My experiences as a Unergi student will influence my professional career in every way.

10. What are the different ways you can integrate Unergi into your community?

For the most part, my community IS the Unergi community so it is pretty integrated already. Everyone else I know on a personal level that accepts the concept of Unergi listens to me talk about it as often as I bring it up (Ann Marie). After I graduate from Bucks and start at LaSalle, I imagine I will find a larger community of people that are interested in holism and everything that Unergi offers to the world. It can start with doing exercises from your book with a partner or in a small group and seeing if that leads to any kind of discussion. If people become interested they could end up on their own Unergi journey!

11. Is there a particular interest group/special population you see yourself working with in the future?

This is still blurry to me because I feel so clear and passionate that Unergi can help and change the lives of anyone that embraces it. On a broad level I would love to be able to somehow work with people that don’t have funds to access this kind of therapy. Obviously this would take a lot of planning, etc, but it’s a dream that would be amazing to achieve. I also might consider working with women in domestic violence shelters or people that have been in abusive relationships. There’s time to decide.

12. What was a significant learning during the:

a. Body-Mind Sequences?

b. Alexander Studies?

I believe I experienced the true meaning of Touchback when we did the exercise with our partners on Sunday afternoon. When I pushed on Diane’s shoulders as if I was pushing through water I could sense how her body responded to my hands. It was like I could feel her body shifting and it made me immediately more aware of myself and the way I was experiencing how I was standing and sensing my body. By the end of the exercise, even though I had to initiate the contact by touching her shoulders, the touch ends up being mutually given and received by both people. We were two people in a moment in time connected by hands and shoulders, but it wasn’t as if one person controlled the other. When the exercise was finished and Diane shared that she experienced what she felt was a realigning in her spine when I pushed like I was pushing through water it was just confirmation that I really did experience Touchback. Putting all of this into words is pretty difficult!

c. Gestalt Practice?

Speaking to Marjory as if she was my authority figure standing there was a very interesting experience. Saying the things I said to a real, live, human being as if she was my authority figure made it even more real than speaking to a pillow. When Marjory responded the way I wish an authority figure would respond just made my body want to fall through the table, and yet, I could feel my body tense. I know things are shifting in me. In the past I would have refused to do any kind of role-playing activity. I’m growing. My learning in this particular scenario encourages my inner authority to blossom. The Gestalt practice helped to make the verbalization more accessible if I need it AND I now have more confirmation that my inner authority is the best guide I need now.


13. Any additional comments?

The theme of the weekend was Becoming Visible. I am becoming visible to myself right now by being my own authority and embracing my own strength.